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Hoppe Columns
Nick Hoppe San Francisco Chronicle Art Hoppe Humor Blog Column
Humor Column by Nick Hoppe, son of San Francisco Chronicle columnist Art Hoppe
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index.htm | Home |
about.htm | About |
columns.htm | Columns |
contact.htm | Contact |
mailinglist.htm | Email List |
lifestyle.htm | <img> |
business.htm | <img> |
travel.htm | <img> |
columns/dad.htm | (continue) |
columns/oldfarts.htm | As I creep up to my 65th birthday in a couple of months, I can feel the ravages of age begin to take over my life. W... |
columns/rocoandlucy.htm | Columnist's Note: I wrote this many, many years ago when my kids were young. It's about dogs, not people. Needless t... |
columns/baseball.htm | Most people don't realize how difficult it is to be married to a Canadian, or for a Canadian to be married to me. Ad... |
columns/secondgranddaughter.htm | My oldest daughter just gave birth to our second granddaughter, and it has prompted me to make several observations ... |
columns/spring.htm | Spring has sprung. As I write this, the glorious sun is shining and it's a balmy 65 degrees outside. The cold and ra... |
columns/crosswords.htm | I had to call my daughter, and I didn't have my iPhone with me. Like the relic I am, I had to use our landline, whic... |
columns/moderation.htm | I've always been a fan of moderation. I've always thought of it as a virtue, and tried to teach my children that mod... |
columns/dna.htm | What a lovely way to start the day. I walked into our kitchen about a month ago and was greeted by the sight of my w... |
columns/eveningnews.htm | Want to feel young? Want to feel spry and healthy? Want to feel like you've got life by the horns and nothing can ma... |
columns/words.htm | I've been thinking about the English language lately, mainly because it's the only language I know. I've decided it ... |
columns/publicspeeking2.htm | I'm saddened to say that I have been diagnosed with Glossophobia. It joins a long list of afflictions that have befu... |
columns/nailpolish.htm | With all the troubles going on in our country these days, it seemed time for a total fluff column. So here it is.... |
columns/pge.htm | The rain was pouring down and the wind was howling last Wednesday evening. I was safely weathering the storm in the ... |
columns/rooting.htm | As many readers know, my father wrote a column for The Chronicle for almost 50 years. While 95% of his columns were ... |
columns/facebookprivacy.htm | I am a relative novice when it comes to social media. I don't have a Twitter account, I don't understand why you nee... |
columns/payback.htm | I remember it vividly. It was about 34 years ago and I was lying on the couch watching a sporting event on televisio... |
columns/merrychristmas.htm | At the rate my children are reproducing, it won't be long before I have a stable of grandchildren who are actually o... |
columns/invisible.htm | I got attacked by a dermatologist last week. He seemed like a nice fellow, giving me friendly advice about wearing s... |
columns/fitbit.htm | I'm proud to announce that I have just entered my 27th year of trying to lose five pounds. Not many fatties have the... |
columns/marie.htm | The sweetest woman in the world is dying. As I write this, she's lying in her bed in a nursing home 45 miles north o... |
columns/inlaws2.htm | Thanksgiving was over. As I said to my wife as the final dishes were washed last Thursday evening, it was no time to... |
columns/sportsgame.htm | I love to compete in sports. I grew up playing basketball, moved on to doubles tennis and golf when the body started... |
columns/hatemail.htm | I was checking emails on my iPhone at the breakfast table a couple of weeks ago and was delighted to announce to my ... |
columns/proposal.htm | If you're reading this, it means my 29 year old son proposed to his longtime girlfriend last weekend. If you're not ... |
columns/trumpentertainer.htm | In case you haven't noticed, Donald Trump's national approval rating jumped to 44% in a recent Gallup poll, an all-t... |
columns/charities.htm | It was around 6:00 in the evening last Saturday and my wife and I were getting ready to go out. While she delicately... |
columns/peru.htm | It's been awhile since I was in sixth grade and wrote an essay on "What I Did On My Vacation." So I figured it's abo... |
columns/mindfulness.htm | The 5th graders in Ms. Baker's class at Grant Elementary, deep in the heart of Richmond, were listening intently to ... |
columns/ahof.htm | I have a good friend who is turning 70 this year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and acting far younger th... |
columns/chairs.htm | "I have a job for you," my wife said to me as I headed off to work Monday morning. "It won't take long.".. |
columns/alcoholism.htm | I have a very close relative who is one of my heroes. I think about what she's done, and my heart swells and my admi... |
columns/driving_irritation.htm | I'm not sure how long I'll write this column---maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years. I may quit, I may be fired, I... |
columns/sunglasses.htm | I set a new personal record last week. I put my sunglasses to rest after a whopping three years of use. It was an em... |
columns/airlinefood.htm | My grandfather, who died about a million years ago, lived alone for the last few years of his life. I went to visit ... |
columns/bilingual.htm | I remember it well. I was 20 years old, and I had met my soon-to-be wife while travelling in Greece. She was a Frenc... |
columns/doctorcthree.htm | Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from our nationally syndicated (in his dreams) advice columnist... |
columns/toddlers.htm | My daughter and son-in-law joined us last weekend for a family get-together in the mountains. Naturally, they brough... |
columns/bridge.htm | My wife is aging before my eyes. Not physically, of course, but mentally. She's clearly concerned about the years ta... |
columns/television.htm | I know this space gets nauseatingly nostalgic sometimes, so I apologize in advance for doing it again... |
columns/politicalarguments.htm | It was the 4th of July, and I was at a traditional barbecue with some people, most of whom I knew, and a few I didn'... |
columns/countyfair.htm | The internet was down at our house and I couldn't figure out why. I had just finished reading a complicated story ab... |
columns/worldcup.htm | Like many sport-loving Americans, I'm a little embarrassed about our country. We failed to qualify for the World Cup... |
columns/sixtyfour.htm | I had a birthday last week. It was no ordinary birthday, nor was it one of those decade birthdays that cause so much... |
columns/canadians.htm | I was reading the morning paper last week and it seemed like an opportune time to tell my wife that we were finished... |
columns/charleston.htm | I am a weather wimp. Born and raised in San Francisco, I have lived all my life in a moderate climate, not too hot, ... |
columns/breakingup.htm | It's always devastating when a couple breaks up, and it's even more devastating when it's completely one-sided. Add ... |
columns/facialblind.htm | I am facially challenged. While some may think that pertains to my own face, it does not. My face may have challenge... |
columns/government.htm | I was having a conversation with some conservative friends the other night about the homeless problem in San Francis... |
columns/pasorobles.htm | I hate wine tasting. I don't like drinking alcohol during the day, mainly because it doesn't give me anything to loo... |
columns/heartattack.htm | From the emails I receive, it seems what readers like most about this column is that it humorously reflects on the r... |
columns/spousedriving.htm | I'm going to come right out and say it: I am not a sexist. I believe in equal pay for equal work, Title IX, whatever... |
columns/feelingyoung.htm | I visited an old friend at his nursing home the other day. He is 93 and nearing the end of his decorated, incredibly... |
columns/scooters.htm | It's always kind of fun to watch the good guys/bad guys go at it. And we've got a ripsnorter going at it right here ... |
columns/smokealarms.htm | I was lying in bed a few nights ago and checked the clock. It was 3 a.m. and I was wide awake. Since I had already s... |
columns/drorganizing.htm | Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from our esteemed advice columnist, that Doctor of Communicatio... |
columns/trumpdrinking.htm | Some people love Donald Trump. Some people, especially around here, hate Donald Trump. Very few people are indiffere... |
columns/homeownership.htm | I only have one grandchild, and she can't talk yet (or do much of anything), but if I had a couple in the vicinity o... |
columns/singing.htm | I came home around 9:45 the other night after a long solo trip in the car and announced to my wife that I had made a... |
columns/obituaries.htm | There's nothing like a dissertation on death to get your Tuesday morning off to a cheery start. I'm happy to oblige.... |
columns/hairdyeing.htm | To dye or not to dye. That is the question I posed to my wife as I brushed what is left of my hair the other morning... |
columns/olympics.htm | Two of my kids were over for dinner the other night and after their free meal was consumed we turned on the Winter O... |
columns/mompassing.htm | (Note to readers: I wrote this column three years ago when my mother died, before I started writing for The Chronicl... |
columns/tapingsports.htm | My cell phone rang. I could see from the caller ID that it was my 27 year old son.... |
columns/doubletrouble.htm | My wife and I visited some friends last week for a quick two-night trip. When they graciously showed us to our room,... |
columns/religion.htm | At the risk of offending a huge segment of the population, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that God didn't rea... |
columns/borrego.htm | With the New Year upon us, it's time to turn our thoughts to charitable giving. So I'd like to suggest sending donat... |
columns/drive2sandiego.htm | We were gliding along Interstate 5 last week, heading down to San Diego for a short vacation. My wife was beside me ... |
columns/childcare.htm | My wife and I babysat our little six month old granddaughter last Saturday night. She was dropped off at 6 pm, and n... |
columns/wonderful.htm | It's the holiday season, and like most people, I'm tired of all the bad news that dominates the airwaves and the new... |
columns/birthdays.htm | When I am King, one of my first acts will be to outlaw sexual intercourse during the month of March.... |
columns/coffee.htm | Another one bites the dust. My 27 year old son just informed me that he has started to drink coffee for the first ti... |
columns/guncontrol.htm | A couple of weeks ago I started writing a column on gun control. Like every American, I was horrified by the latest ... |
columns/books.htm | I've been doing this column thing for a while now, and it may be time to accept one of those offers from publishers ... |
columns/foodchoices.htm | My wife and I were on a road trip last weekend and it was time for lunch. As usual, that was a problem.... |
columns/commute.htm | For all those who are upset and frustrated by the ridiculous traffic that has clogged Bay Area freeways for years (a... |
columns/period.htm | I was in a bad mood, and had been for a couple of days. No reason. Business was fine, family was fine, health was fi... |
columns/fire.htm | I woke up a couple of Mondays ago, checked my phone, and there was the text message. My sister and brother-in-law we... |
columns/trumpsex.htm | While the fires raged last week in the Wine Country and beyond, creating unimaginable devastation and suffering, ano... |
columns/dating.htm | I've always said the one thing you can't control is your children's love life. That doesn't mean I can't try, though... |
columns/immigrants.htm | A good friend and business associate of mine came into my office last week, armed with videos and pictures of 1374 i... |
columns/intellectuals.htm | A good friend of mine thinks I'm an intellectual. He invited me to a philosophical seminar, "Living a Good Life," to... |
columns/maritalstory.htm | On most nights, my wife and I get ready for bed around the same time. We go through our routine, do a little reading... |
columns/askquestions.htm | Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from that noted advice columnist, the Doctor of Communications... |
columns/fatherfailure.htm | We were on a family vacation in the mountains last week with all four of our grown children. As my 36 year old daugh... |
columns/concerts.htm | I went to a concert a week ago Sunday. This was a big deal, because I don't go to concerts. I don't like concerts. N... |
columns/onedaytolive.htm | We were out to dinner the other night with some friends. The conversation was dragging a bit, so I decided to spice ... |
columns/arcolounger.htm | There is a difference between men and women. If there was any doubt, it was proven on the sales floor of a huge furn... |
columns/impeachment.htm | In January, the week of the inauguration of Donald Trump as President, I wrote a serious column titled "Time for Oth... |
columns/dentists.htm | I think about professions a lot. What's it like to be an attorney, a laborer, a contractor, an engineer, a proctolog... |
columns/hairstylist.htm | My hair stylist, if you can call her that, retired about a month ago. She had cut my hair for the last 30 years, and... |
columns/waze.htm | We had a huge fight in the car the other day. As is often the case, it was over directions. I wanted to go one way, ... |
columns/babygranddaughter.htm | "It's time to go," said my wife, excitedly, as she dragged me towards the door. "This is a big moment in our lives."... |
columns/water-slides.htm | There's a really corny movie comedy that came out about 12 years ago called "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo." It was... |
columns/spermclub.htm | I was in the heart of the Carmel Valley a couple of weeks ago, in an area called The Preserve. It is a private commu... |
columns/shoes.htm | Reason Number 4327 as to why I could never be a woman is shoes. I'm going to generalize here, and I fully realize th... |
columns/grandchild.htm | My father, who wrote a satirical daily column in The Chronicle for almost 50 years, mixed in a serious one every so ... |
columns/selfhelp.htm | It was late, and my eyes were drooping. I reached over to turn off the reading light above my side of the bed... |
columns/jingle.htm | I was driving, the radio was on, and my wife was in the passenger seat. Since we have wildly different tastes in mus... |
columns/brian.htm | It's been almost a year since I wrote about a young man from Marin County, best friend to my two sons and marketing ... |
columns/obeaging.htm | I was taking my granddog, Obie, for a walk a couple of months ago, and I had the unpleasant experience of rememberin... |
columns/doctor.htm | There is a Miss Manners, a Dear Abby and a host of other advice columns. And now there is one more, at least for tod... |
columns/paul.htm | A new hairdo, a spray-on tan, a facial, working out almost every day---obviously, my wife was having an affair... |
columns/pillow.htm | I got an email the other day from a reader who wasn't happy about the subjects of some recent columns. "Our country ... |
columns/employee_shortage.htm | I know this isn't happening in every part of the country, but the Bay Area is booming. And I'm getting a little sick... |
columns/easter.htm | Easter Sunday is almost upon us, so it is time for some of us to think about Jesus Christ rising from the dead and, ... |
columns/healthcare.htm | I am not happy with my parents, grandparents or my great grandparents. They really dropped the ball on health care, ... |
columns/springtraining.htm | The San Francisco Giants are deep into spring training in Scottsdale, Arizona, and there were two aging veterans at... |
columns/wall.htm | Walls |
columns/newcar.htm | "I'm thinking about making a change," I said to my wife a few months ago. "Something sleeker, something racier, some... |
columns/homealone.htm | My wife flew to Montreal last week to visit her 93 year old mother. As I drove her to the airport, I decided to be h... |
columns/media.htm | The President of the United States, who is known as the leader of the free world, said the media are "the enemy of t... |
columns/weather.htm | It was raining again, for the third day in a row. I was sitting at the breakfast table in our Marin County home, eat... |
columns/gambling.htm | Like most parents, I'm generally supportive of everything my children do in life, from watching them take their firs... |
columns/turning60.htm | We all gathered around the fireplace the other night, with me sitting as erect as I could on the hearth. Everyone el... |
columns/retail.htm | There's nothing like starting your morning by hearing that you will soon be obsolete. That's what happened to me las... |
columns/inlaws.htm | The garbage disposal stopped working the other day, and the toilet was acting up. And all I could think about was ho... |
columns/trump.htm | With the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump only three days away, I feel compelled to write about the stat... |
columns/montana.htm | I was in the airport bookstore a few weeks ago, browsing for a trashy novel, when my eyes flashed on an old love, st... |
columns/bicep.htm | I hate to brag, but I've got bicep tendonitis. Well, at least I did until my body literally started falling apart. M... |
columns/smelltheroses.htm | Here's a holiday story which has nothing to do with Christmas, or New Year's, and only a bit about the season. It's ... |
columns/aol.htm | If I had a grandchild, which I don't, as soon as the little whippersnapper could talk and use a computer, we would h... |
columns/cranky.htm | My wife, who would not make a very good nurse, was rather unimpressed when I told her a few days ago that I had a di... |
columns/carrental.htm | This is kind of a sad story, the kind that might shake your faith in human nature. It's not about pain, or disease, ... |
columns/cleanse.htm | As I write this, it's Thursday morning, Thanksgiving Day. In about seven hours, my family and a few friends will gat... |
columns/driverless.htm | If I was 12 years old right now, I'd be really unhappy. Maybe it's just me, but when I was 12 years old, I distinctl... |
columns/medicalpower.htm | With the anxiety and depression of the election complete, my wife and I decided we needed some cheering up. So off w... |
columns/voting.htm | I always looked forward to Election Day. I'd drive to work, passing the American flags flying gallantly outside our ... |
columns/cpr.htm | For about 40 years now, I've been meaning to take one of those CPR classes, just in case I came across some poor sou... |
columns/textingnoteasy.htm | My youngest son, who is in his mid-twenties, is on the prowl. After a five year relationship with his girlfriend cam... |
columns/stifflegs.htm | "I've got a present for you," I said to my wife a few months ago. "What did you buy for yourself this time?" she ask... |
columns/sully.htm | My wife, who for some strange reason likes to fly, suggested last weekend we go see the movie "Sully," which is the ... |
columns/politicaldiscussions.htm | I was having lunch the other day with a good friend of mine, and naturally the conversation turned to politics, as i... |
columns/marijuana.htm | I'm probably ruining my chances of becoming President of the United States, but I'm still going to come out and admi... |
columns/clothes.htm | I got dressed for work the other day and secretly put on the spanking new dress shoes and glistening new dress shi... |
columns/soldier.htm | In this fractious, polarized election year, it would be nice to talk about something that everyone can agree on. May... |
columns/wine.htm | There is no such thing as a free lunch. I am reminded of this old and wise saying every time my wife and I are invit... |
columns/obie.htm | I don't fall in love easily, but I'm pretty sure this is the real thing. There have been others, and I stubbornly th... |
columns/dancing.htm | I miss my mother. She died almost two years ago, and I miss her for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she thought... |
columns/yelp.htm | As some readers of this column know, or can certainly surmise, I don't write for a living. If I did, I would not onl... |
columns/weddingappearance.htm | On January 1, 2016, as I entered my 27th consecutive year of trying to lose five pounds, I must admit I had lost bot... |
columns/duffy2.htm | My best friend from high school and college died over a month ago and few people noticed. As far as I know, there wa... |
columns/ipod.htm | Not one to miss out on a hot new trend, I decided the other day to get an Ipod, or whatever it is they call it these... |
columns/washington.htm | Ahhh, summertime!!! A time for vacations, for relaxing from a long year of hard work. A time to stop the rat race and ha... |
columns/socks.htm | |
columns/eyes.htm | My wife and I were driving along, peacefully enjoying the pastoral scenery, when the song "Brown-Eyed Girl" came on the ... |
columns/hypochondriac.htm | I was in pain. I got out of my car a few weeks ago after a five hour drive, and could barely walk. My left calf had tigh... |
columns/careertest.htm | My wife came home the other night and announced that she has decided to enter the job market. Or at least consider enter... |
columns/shortcuts.htm | When my kids were young, and I had all four of them in the car going somewhere or other, I distinctly remember when ... |
columns/warriors.htm | My wife doesn't understand me. She thinks I'm shallow, demented, obsessive, compulsive, misguided and generally ridi... |
columns/wedding.htm | My oldest daughter and her boyfriend came by not long ago and happily announced that they were engaged to be married... |
columns/fishing.htm | The alarm clock went off at the ungodly hour of 5:45 last Saturday morning. But I was already wide awake, eager to p... |
columns/matchcom.htm | My wife had a couple of single female friends, both in their 50's, over for dinner the other night at our house in M... |
columns/eyesight.htm | My wife and I sat down at a nice table in a lovely restaurant the other night, and once again I heard those wonderfu... |
columns/boyfriends.htm | Our 29 year old daughter was over for dinner the other night and she had that excited glow about her. That could onl... |
archives.htm |
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